winter break and other such stories

contemplations on patience...
I love irony. I love finding it in everyday life, and observing it in others' lives. It's one of my simple amusements. Recently I came across a rather glaring point of irony in my own life, though not so amusing. It had to do with patience, my constant preaching thereon, and my general lack thereof. I often find myself telling my friends to "just be patient", or what my best friend usually hears, "patience is a virtue". Yet I have discovered that despite my own frustrations with the general impatience of the "I want it now" generation, I myself often succumb to the same impatience. Now I'm generally not your openly rebellious type. I prefer to find subtler, more creative ways to flout the system. (note: the term "sparkling water" can be applied to a variety of clear liquids generally prohibited in the high school hallways) However, I also happen to have a very independent streak about me. Granted I'm not afraid to ask for help if I really need it, but I'll do my damndest to accomplish it on my own before I even consider asking for help. Recently, my physical independence has been challenged with the onset of a dislocated elbow. Being confined to a splint and sling for three days nearly drove me crazy, as did having to get help with basic tasks like cutting food, washing my hair, and any buttons that came above my stomach. God, when I asked for help with patience, this wasn't exactly what I had in mind. On the plus side, I progressed rather well in learning to type with one hand. Today was my first full day without the splint, although I am still supposed to keep my arm in the sling for most of the day and exercise it within the sling. I am exceedingly grateful that so far, it has healed very well and I have about 70% of my range of motion back. Now, if I obey the doctor, and keep it in the sling for the next two weeks (blah) I will greatly decrease my likelihood of needing physical therapy. Needless to say, PT is time consuming and expensive, I have no way to get there (unless I want to take a public bus through the inner city around school...not so much) and my parents and I are not the least bit interested in fighting with the insurance company. Back to my original point: I'm still confined to the sling, and even if I'm being bad and taking it out of the sling, I still don't have all my range of motion back. I am still confronted with those uncomfortable, oft painful moments of "ohhhhh wow my arm does not bend that way just yet". So I'm once again forced to be patient. God works in mysterious ways...

Another exercise in patience is people.

• The people at work, who show up five minutes before their scheduled time slot, order non precooked food, and then get upset because you are not filling their order fast enough. Why don't you bloody well try showing up before your time slot, or if you really insist on showing up at the last minute, don't order food that takes 10 minutes to cook and then act like we're at fault for not being quick enough to fill your order or print your ticket.
  
• The part time employee who decides that they are the special exception to the "you close, you clean and restock" rule. Which then doubles my work because little miss sunshine decided to go home early and skip the last few chores at work. A pox upon you!

• Friends who don't act like friends, and seem to think that they can go on about their merry lives without a care while you sit around wondering what the hell is going on. Meanwhile you're left to stew, torn between a) wanting to hunt them down and elaborate quite fiercely on just what you think of their behaviour, b) sitting around hoping and praying it's just a phase, and it will all work itself out in time, or c) throwing your hands up and saying "to devil with you" and walking away, shaking the dirt from your shoes as you do. granted those who started that trend had more justification for it than I do, but it was for similar reasons.

Question: (which bear is better?) Why is it that none of the above options seem to work for me? Answer: (not black bears) becuase a) will only make matters worse, b) seems to be unfair in the sense that the opposing party is therefore stripped of any accountability, and I'm slowly stripped of my patience, and c) is just plain impossible for me to do. I can't walk away from someone who was once and hopefully still is a good friend. That's another one of my problems, I care about people too much. Some would argue that this is a good quality, but it often leads to frustration. Although option a) is very tempting, I know it won't help anything, but a twist on it may: polite confrontation. There comes a time when even I have to establish that I'm done being nice, and done sitting idly by hoping things will work themselves out. Time for me to say "let's talk about this, and establish what friendship means".

Contemplations on varying emotional responses: I've often discovered that frustration and anger, when directed at people, are often a result and/or a cover for hurt. We get angry and frustrated with people when they fail to meet our expectations. The more justified we feel these expectations are, the stronger our frustrations and anger tend to grow. If we're fortunate, we have a healthy outlet for this frustration and anger (mine is writing, can you tell?) and it dissipates, if only temporarily. What remains after you finish venting to your teddybear, or your journal, or your best friend, or the air? Heartache, to some degree. The pain of knowing someone you care about has let you down. Most of the time, getting hurt is a choice. If you let someone hurt you, that then gives them the upper hand. Everytime you care about someone, and let them be a part of your life, you take the chance that they will hurt you, because we are all human, and ultimately fail each other at some point or another. Yet it's no use trying to live your life keeping everyone at a safe distance. Trust me, I've tried it. Face it: we need others in our lives, even if it's only a select few. Getting hurt is a part of life, because we live in a fallen world. I have a friend who laugh and point out my cynicism here, but it's reality. So what then? Live with the ever repeating cycle of hurt-frustration-anger-venting-hurt? For many people, yes. As for me, I've learned that this is not healthy or productive. As difficult as it may seem, the best option is to forgive and move on. Clear the air, if at all possible, and resolve any misunderstandings. Forgiveness is not easy. Forgiveness does not mean it hurts any less. Forgiveness does not mean everything is all of the sudden forgotten. Forgiveness means moving beyond the frustration and anger, not going through life staying mad at someone. The hurt may lessen with time, or it may always be there. Ultimately the choice is ours: to use energy and thoughts holding on to anger and frustration, or to let go, and move on. As for me, I've found that there's much more peace in my life when I choose to ask God to help me forgive.

After all that deep, pyschological, emotional crap, I'll wrap up with a movie recommendation.
"Music and Lyrics" : Hugh Grant, Drew Barrymore. Chick Flick. Romantic Comedy. Predictable, but not boring. Entertaining. Cute. Moral of the story: all teenage girls are romantics at heart, even if they are sex-obsessed, philosophically confused pop stars.

In closing: Don't stop believing, there's always something more :)
peace y'all...

P.S. Common Sense Life Lesson for the week: make sure your hands are thoroughly cleansed of powdered cleaning chemicals before attempting to lick the soup off your fingers.