some not so emo musings

Recently I've come to the conclusion that I am spoiled. Very spoiled. Not just in that I've never wanted for anything, but that for the most part, when I want something or want my way about something I get it. This is true of my home life and alot of my social life. Not precisely sure why. Thankfully it hasn't rotted me too much...yet. I pray it doesn't. My only guess as to why I am spoiled is that I'm generally not the demanding type. Growing up at home I was (I've been told) the "easy" child, for the most part. I got good grades, I had good friends, I didn't get in trouble at school, I didn't cause too much trouble at home. Around friends, I'm not the one asserting my own way or making my wants a priority. I'm nobody's floor mat, but I'll just watch things to see how they develop before asserting a definite opinion. I've got somewhat of a reputation as a good girl, although anyone who knows me well will tell you there's more to me than the sweet angel I present. Some people have yet to be convinced of this, not quite sure why...(I'm not really an angel, I just act like one). So why do I think I'm so spoiled? The times I've cared about something enough to assert my desire or wanted my own way about something badly enough to do something about it, I've gotten it. With few exceptions, and those being minor, this is a repeating pattern throughout my life. My pride would tell me its my reward for being the good girl (in public). My more realistic little grey cells would tell me it's God's grace I don't deserve. My cynicism would tell me it's a setup for future trials. So what's the real truth? Most likely a combination of all three. I spotted this spoilage in my life when I was considering how much of my own desires and wanting my own way to assert in a...situation...I have going on right now. The thought "I want this to go my way and I get what I want" crossed my mind, and I thought, is this true? I started thinking...yes, actually, it is. Thankfully I figured out that asserting my own way in this situation is going to get me nowhere. I'm rather glad I've picked up on this fact, because it helps to explain why I'm so good at getting favors and privileges in life with little manipulation. Granted I have no fear of manipulation when it's necessary, and I can be quite good at it, if I feel it's needed. That comes from being female. Manipulation to get my own way is something that must not be overused. That will get old fast, and people won't trust your motives. Thankfully I've learned this by watching other people, and not through personal experience. It can be fun once in a while, but it must be used ever so cautiously. So that's that for now. Happy New Year to all, may God bless you and your loved ones in the coming year.

p.s. common sense life lesson for the week: don't leave sugar snap peas out of the refrigerator for two days, they tend to get deformed and taste a bit...off. A bit of re-refrigeration can cure it a bit, but only so much. Yeah...that's up there with the ravioli can...

Life is a Rollercoaster

My life is never predictable. Most of the time I enjoy this, but sometimes there are days where I wish I knew what was going to become of it all. I analogize life to a rollercoaster becuase it is constantly moving, up and down, twists and turns, and upside down. At times it makes you wonder: who am I, what am I doing here, and which way is up and out of this mess we call life? I've learned in the past few months that college can cause alot of those moments, as can the drama of life. Though the two are often related, they aren't necessarily. So what's the point of this little rambling about the confusion of life? Two things: first and most important, although life is constantly changing, God is faithful and will often be the only thing that makes sense amidst all those "how did this become my life?" moments. Second, to share something I wrote a little over a month ago. I write alot when I'm feeling like I can't really explain feelings in plain conversation. I had been feeling sad and frustrated about a friendship that seemed, and still seems, fated to be anything but normal. We seem to fluctuate weekly between the polar opposites of friendship: really close, or barely speaking at all. (I'm hoping to get this figured out soon). The strange thing was that I have now turned this into a song-in-progress. Normally I don't put my writings to music, although I suppose in a way it makes sense since both writing and music are things that "connect", if you will, in my life. There's a bit of irony in it all, as the tune that seemed to attach itself to the song is rather light by itself, whereas the words are more introspective and nostalgic.

Written 11/16/2007

My world is brighter than the sunshine whenever you're around
Your smile can light my darkest hour
Your voice can still my restless heart
When I'm in your arms I know everything will be alright
You're all I want; You're all I need
You're all I want, but now you're gone...

I can't see your smile
I can't touch your face
I can't hear your voice
Telling me I'll be ok
It's time to move on
I've got to be strong
All I've got is Jesus now
I know He'll catch me when I fall

The first half is the first "verse" and the second half is the "chorus" I guess. I have some scraps of a second "verse" rattling around in my head, they'll probably start coming together in the next few days. Meanwhile, I've got to finish wrapping Christmas presents, so that's all for tonight. I'll leave you all with this: "And in the same region there were shepherds out in the field watching over their flock through the night. And an angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone all around them, and they were filled with fear. And the angel said to them, "Don't be afraid, I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all people. Today in the city of David, a Saviour is born who is Christ the Lord. And this will be a sign for you: you will find a baby wrapped in cloths laying in a manger." And suddenly there was a multitude of angels with the first angel praising God and saying, "Glory to God in the highest. Peace and good will to those on earth with whom He is pleased!" ~Luke 2: 8-14~ Merry Christmas y'all!

Welcome to my world

Hey y'all,
Thanks for taking time to get inside my head. This isn't so much a blog of everyday life as it is a place to dump my thoughts and rants when life hits me the wrong way. Alot of it will tend towards emo-ness, but hopefully some of it will be happier thoughts. I am trying to write more in happier moods, although most of my writing is born of trials or emotions. A little bit about me: I'm generally a happy person, I've got more blessings that I can count. I do my best to live my life worthy of Jesus my Saviour. I have an amazing family and some great friends. I love music, and relating my life to country music songs (scary accurate summations at times), I love to read, I'm obsessed with the color purple, and I'm always hungry. So that's the short version of me. Welcome to my world :)